Yesterday I ran three miles with my family. My husband pushed the jogging stroller and we did three miles at 11:07, 10:47, 9:34. They felt so easy and I was so proud of myself for cruising along for that third mile under 10-minutes… until I saw the heart rate data from my Garmin. 47% of the run was in Zone 5? What?
I had been so proud of myself until the data told me I was working too hard. I know that data isn’t completely accurate. For one, it’s hot outside and that always pushes my heart rate higher than normal. I am not a very heat tolerant person. For two, it’s just a watch, not a chest strap, and my watch band has been glued back together so when I get sweaty the whole thing kind of slides around anyways. So while it was easy to decide “well, heart rate isn’t everything,” that didn’t take away the sting of feeling like I hadn’t improved as much as I thought I had. It didn’t take away the sting of an outside source and something I had heard was “right” ruining the way I felt about the work I had put in.
Running takes so much patience, but it is always so satisfying to cross a new threshold. Running works on the time scale of weeks, months, years, and it is so easy to beat yourself up for not getting good enough fast enough.
I recently listened to the “Hate Mail” episode of Des and Kara’s podcast “Nobody Asked Us.” Part of the episode was dedicated to discussing the running brand Satisfy’s recent “activation,” something which apparently generated a lot of discussion online. I’ve been thinking about what they said for days and am having trouble summarizing it, but they had some really insightful comments such as “When does social media burn out as a form of communication?” And “I don’t want to be passionate about Satisfy…at all! I don’t want it to steal any emotion from me.” And “Guys…it’s (just) running!”
Those comments were embedded in a broader discussion of run influencers and running marketing, battles for attention, social media and NIL, branding of the self, and the disgusting cycle of social media news and how we are constantly subjected to insane news cycles. I was reminded of how it took less than 24 hours after the DC plane crash one to two years ago for my awful neighbor across the street to text me some bullshit about DEI, and how recently I only see articles about the declining birth rate on my Facebook feed. Surface level takes that generate clicks and ad revenue.
I’m so tired of all of it. I’m tired of hitting refresh. You cannot build anything if you are constantly hitting refresh, constantly berating yourself for not improving fast enough or for not adhering to some ideals someone who has no idea who you are has projected on people in your demographic, constantly stressed about whatever mean people are trying to get you to worry about so they can make more money for themselves.
So far I’ve kept social media, because I use it to message my cousins and read about my career space on Reddit. But I’ve definitely taken a step back and stopped logging on without intentionally looking for something. I want to become a better runner, a kinder person, a better engineer, the parent I know I can be without constantly being told I’m doing it wrong.
If the Law is written on our hearts, then that’s where we’re going to find it. If I want to run in Boston, I won’t get there by finding voices that tell me I can or can’t do it. I’ll only get there by patiently putting one foot in front of the other. I’ll only get there by letting time pass at the pace of the world.
Reading with Ally 