why you should be a civil engineer rn

This is written after the style of a website that used to exist. It’s funny, stupid, and crude, but sometimes it’s important to laugh. 

We’ve all heard that more women should pursue careers in STEM, but honestly, it sounds boring AF. What is there to do? Make potato clocks? Grow salt crystals? Please. Yet despite misgivings, here I am today – a Glorified Construction Worker – aka, Civil Engineer. But before you write me off as one of those redneck losers from high school, or worse, an actual nerd, believe me when I say civil engineering is the career for you. Trust.

Civil engineers draw, design, and build breweries, buildings, bridges and pretty much any other structure you use on the daily. Driving on a road? Civil engineering. Going for a trail run? Civil engineering. Flushing Friday down the toilet? Civil engineering. After a few painful years crunching numbers and then getting a computer to do it for you, you’ll land a job banking the Top 25% – if not 10% – of millennial incomes. Civil engineering is basically like real life crafting, except this time, someone else buys the supplies. Turns out, private and public organizations pay good money so the fancy ass shit they want to put in the world stays there for a while.

But if money isn’t the only reason to choose a career – for most of us it isn’t – do it for the gram, do it for the travel, do it for the humor. Civil engineering is a career needed anywhere there are people. Be a coastal geotech and build marinas and harbors. Be a railroader and route tracks through the mountains. Live in NYC and design skyscrapers. Travel to remote islands and build military bases. See it all – and know that you’re there as more than a tourist. After the project is done, and there’s a shiny new building, bridge or nature trail, snap a pic. That project has a little piece of you and here you are, making the world a better place #blessed.

Even though money buys security, and pictures buy us likes, what is life without laughter? Imagine you are a field engineer sent to supervise a foundations project. For those of us less technically inclined, a foundation is the shit under the building that holds the building up. Many times, especially in areas where the soil is super squishy or prone to earthquakes (like San Francisco), driven piles are used as foundations. Piles are long, cylindrical pieces of steel hammered into the ground. After calculating the required circumference (how big around) and length (how long in the ground) by determining the minimum “tip resistance” and “side friction”, the piles are rhythmically slammed into the ground with the weight of a giant hammer. If things are getting too hot and heavy, or the piles aren’t sliding in quite right, a “lubricating slurry” is pumped down and around the pile to increase the slipperiness. Starting to sound familiar? Thought so.

After a couple years of travelling, you will probably become a project manager, responsible for directing legions of men and women to keep projects on time and under budget. It sounds complicated, but compared to getting 120 women dressed and ready for rush or for you Standards bitches, getting them all to behave themselves? It’s a breeze.  The reality is that STEM needs you, you with your organization skills, passion for humor, ability to connect with people (even if you’re faking it), and most importantly, your ability to make it happen. To quote the great Tina Fey, “Bitches get stuff done”. It’s easy to be a bitch, but not as easy to be a boss bitch. Get it done ladies, and don’t forget your safety gear.